Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Letter for Upcoming Law Students

Hello prospective law students. ,  you and I have something in common. We have all made a poor life decision, the decision to attend law school. But unlike you, I, as a 3L, am too close to the end to rectify my situation, but you all are not. Come Monday, you will step foot into this building and you will officially become a law student. If I were you, I would do some heavy soul searching this weekend and decide if you really want to do that. Take it from me, you do not.

But if you must see for yourself, I suggest you just come to class for two weeks and see how you like it. You can still get a full tuition refund after two weeks. Treat those two weeks as a test drive. You can do the reading for classes if you want, but I wouldn't recommend it. If you are called on, just tell the professor you are taking a test drive. After all, no one expects you to put gas in a car during a test drive. But give it two weeks, and if you really want to be here...well, don't say I didn't warn you.

I know some of you are scoffing at me right now. You see a big firm in your future, with a six-figure salary and a comfortable lifestyle. But ask yourself, do you really want it? Sure, the money is great, but do you really want to put in 80+ hours weeks of high stress legal work? Do you want to develop an ulcer and a drinking problem? Do you want to cheat on your loving significant other with a skanky paralegal because you are in such need of validation, her menthol and perfume odor is as sweet as a bed of roses? Because the life of a big firm associate is not easy. You won't have time to enjoy that big salary because you will spend all your time at the office. Your senses will be numbed by endless hours toiling in front of law books. You will become so devoid of feeling that you will have to resort to hardcore S&M just to get sexual gratification, because that will be the only way you can even feel anymore.

And if you are one of the "lucky" ones to make it as a partner, are you prepared for that? Are your prepared to go thorough a messy divorce from your formerly loving significant other, and lose most of the stuff you accumulated through your endless toil as an associate? Are you prepared to become a souless bastard who's life revolves around arcane statutes and pain and suffering of others? Are you prepared to look at your daughter's face after you missed her piano recital because "Daddy had to file for another continuance, because Daddy is trying to get as much money from the client as he can before the client realizes he has no case"? Are you prepared to live an isolated existence, so consumed by your own greed and desire that you end up dying alone and miserable? And when you die, are you prepared to be dragged to hell by creepy little ghouls, like in the movie Ghost, when the bad guy got impaled by that giant shard of glass?

If you can answer yes to all of these questions, you will do just fine. Thank you, and best of luck with law school.

From the Author of Barely Legal: The Blog

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